Well, well, well. Seems we have to bail out the mortals yet again. No, no - I am not speaking of saving a child from a burning building or leading the Miami Dolphins to a winning season or fixing the mess in Washington DC. I am not so certain anyone has the powers to do the latter two, anyway. I speak of participating in this 50@50 Project for our earth friends, Dave and Camera Crew.
The 38th event for them was the Parklane Superhero Scramble. Parklane Park is located in 'deep southeast' Portland, near SE 155th and Main Street. Back in the day the area the park now occupies was an airport and a gravel quarry. The park was established in the 1970's and the neighborhood installed playground equipment that was painted in red and white stripes. Thus, for years the nickname for the park was 'Candy Cane Park'.
We knew not what we were getting into upon entering this competition. We knew only that it was a short race with 15 activities that we would have to complete, spread throughout the course . We were sure the 'activities' would be superhero caliber undertakings like 'thwart evil mastermind's plan to take over the world' or 'zap evil henchmen without harming any humans' or 'pass a fair immigration reform bill into law'. It sounded intriguing and mysterious, although the last time Edamame Man was asked to make a showing at a park, it was rather embarrassing.
Aquaman had asked me to make a special appearance at a 'Save the Whales' fundraiser he was throwing. I thought I would sign autographs, pose for pictures, speak to children - you know, the usual superhero role model schtick. I arrived at the speaking engagement ready to wow the crowd, as I usually do. And what a crowd it was! A mass of earth children crowded the front, all giggles and laughter. How exciting for them to be in my presence. I was asked to climb into a 'podium' and perch precariously on a small bench seat over a large tub of water. I thought "This is a rather odd podium from which to address the earthlings about nutritious snacks." I was reviewing my notes, deciding if I should open with a joke, when I was startled from my thoughts by a loud 'THWACK'!!! Ambushed!! I knew it! As a superhero, I am always ready for action. Unless my costume is at the dry cleaners, of course.
I was alone - Blueberry Tart had wandered off to find a 'dog of corn', some sort of earthling stick food served at outdoor events such as these. I would have to deal with this on my own. Looking up, I saw a line of small earthlings cheering, like a crazed mob. The children!! There was one standing in the front, holding several spheres in his hands. He reeled back and launched one of the projectiles in the direction of the cage-podium, specifically toward a small metal plate to my right, outside the cage-podium in which I was now trapped.
'THWACK!' He missed again, the sphere striking a tarp hanging behind the cage-podium and metal plate. A collective groan arose from the mob. Someone shouted "Billy throws like his Gramma!!" With that, several other children stepped forward and starting launching spheres, as well. 'THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!" I was in serious trouble! Being a superhero, I quickly surmised that the obviously brainwashed children were not aiming at me but at the metal plate instead. 'THWACK!' Either that, or children of this planet are all related to Billy's Gramma. With the wire mesh protecting my front, - 'THWACK!' - they could not have hurt me anyway.
Little known fact: as a child I owned an Erector Set. Yes, Edamame Man was once a child. Using the engineering expertise acquired from building contraption after contraption, hours and hours spent alone - all by myself, waiting for friends to call, knowing deep in my heart they never would, I traced the connection from the metal plate to the swing arm to which it was attached. 'THWACK!' This was connected to a trigger-type mechanism, made up of a spring and a pin; the pin was inserted into a hinge, which kept the hinge from, well, hinge-ing. And the hinge?
It was on the other end of the bench upon which I found myself sitting!!! Holy Deep Fried Twinkies!!! If one of the spheres hit the metal plate, it would cause a - 'THWACK!' - chain reaction that would - 'THWACK!' - culminate in...
'CLANGGGGGG!'
'KER-SPLOOOOOSH!!!"
Very funny, Aquaman!
So, where was I? Oh, yes. The Parklane Superhero Scramble. We arrived at the park in the Edamame Mobile and were excited to see Dave's earth sister and brother-in-law. What a pleasant surprise! They came out to cheer on Dave and Camera Crew but didn't seem too disappointed to find SUPERHEROES instead!! As I and Blueberry Tart prepared for the race, a young earth boy dressed as Batman walked by with his mother. The boy looked at us and said "Whoa, Mom! Look at them!", pointing at us. Or probably at me, actually.
We checked in for the race, receiving a 'passport' in which we would obtain 'stamps' upon completing various and sundry 'tasks'. Fifteen of them, to be exact. Much like the other run we did for our mortal friends, I scanned the crowd and ONCE AGAIN didn't see anyone dressed as Edamame Man. I was assured by Blueberry Tart that the costumes are probably still on back order due to such high demand for the approaching Halloween season.
I am beginning to think that Blueberry Tart is - how do the mortals say it - bovine excrementing me.
We received final instructions from the race director, then we were off!! The first stop was at the Multnomah County Sheriff's booth, where we were sworn in as Junior Deputy's. Then it was over to the paramedics booth, where Blueberry Tart had to bandage my arm, which I found to be a silly exercise as I was not injured in the least. We threw frisbees at targets, juggled balls, walked on stilts, flew a kite, solved complicated mathematics equations (12 x 4 / 2), and performed many other earthling activities. The last thing we did was plant a watermelon seed!
Having completed all tasks and received all stamps, we flew to the finish line!!
This was a short event but a fun one. It seemed the entire neighborhood had turned out for the evening. There were food vendors, a rock climbing tower, arts and crafts, our Superhero Scramble. There was even a photo booth where mortals could pose with cardboard likenesses of their favorite superheroes. You guessed it - Edamame Man was not one of them. (Note to self: Fire agent) And to rub salt in the wound, the entire Parklane community night out was culminating in a showing of 'The Avengers'. Hulk, Thor, Ironman, blah blah blah.
Thanks a lot, Parklane.
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